I guess this is what stress feels like. I figured things would hit me, sooner or later, I was just hoping it wouldn’t be now…
“Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself is merely the demonstration of their championship character” -T. Alan Armstrong.
I really can’t believe I let my research methods class stress me out this much. && I guess it’s not really the class it’s the professor, but I’ve given up on getting a good grade, it’s not possible at this point. I’m fighting her for what is right. I’m claiming my education and demanding that she makes changes for her classroom and herself. && with demanding change comes consequences, and I am ready to accept those, but my partner should not have to be punished as well. Dr. H-K decided that Alyssa just made poor choices as to where she sat and who her partner is, but she didn’t. I am a damn good partner and we have a damn good proposal in the works. Yet because I stood up for what I believe is right we will not recieve the grade we deserve but the grade (or lack thereof) she feels like giving us. All I ask is for guidelines and/or a rubric as to how she is grading us and yet she will not fulfill this request. She states that she has watched two of her family members die, one of which has passed away and one that is close to it, she “doesn’t have the time to deal with the high school drama we(as a class) have created for her” I’m not sure who these family members are, but I sure as hell know they would not ask her to use them as an excuse to not care about her class. I know not everyone greives the same, but I do know that every person who has died does not want us to stop giving our best, to stop living, to just lie down and give up. If anything I would think losing someone close to you would push you to be better and to do better. My dad always taught me to do my best, to try my best and to stand for what is right and also stand up for others when they cannot stand up for themselves. I’ve pushed myself so hard for the last year, striving for the best grades, the best workers, the best friend… and it seems as if I’m falling short recently. Especially in this class.. But at the same time, I have never felt so strongly about sticking up for something that I believe in.
Being a women and gender studies student, all of my professors have taught me to take a stand, build a platform, create a goal, gather followers and demand change. I feel that as a WGS prof. she would feel the same way, but apparently this is just unnecessary drama and creating a platform should only be done outside of her classroom…I don’t feel like our demands are life shattering, difficult or even time consuming, just necessary, as students who would like to know how they are being graded, to have. She really frustrates me, by answering my questions with questions, waiting almost three weeks to grade a presentation, stating that if we have questions to go to her office hours, yet providing zero if possibly negitive feedback/help. She is on a power trip and has picked the wrong girl to treat this way. I cannot wait to be done with this class… As it was pointed out to me, it will not matter five years from now what the verdict is, or how what grade I recieved, but as I know it is too late to really make changes for me and my current classmats, but my hope is that I can make changes for future students, no student at Grand Valley should have to recieve this treatment.
I’ve also changed over the last year/months. I feel that I have grown up… I’m done spending time with people that treat me like crap, who continue time after time to hold a grudge or just be plain rude to me and others. I feel that I have become annoyed with a few of my friends due to their decisions that I now view as childish, unhealthy, or irresponsible… and it’s really not fair to them. I have also made a few new friends from class, who don’t really know who I was before Dad got sick and passed away. They didn’t know the reckless decisions I made because I thought I was invincible, they don’t know what I put up with to spend time with people I considered friends. I have felt obligated to spend time with some people recently so I didn’t have to catch crap about it later, but I’ve decided it’s not worth it. If you’re going to be/treat me like shit I don’t need to be around you. My friends that I have been spending time with recently make it so easy to be me. I feel as if I have no expectations to live up to, no characteristics I have to flaunt. The converstations just seem so easy, the time we spend together never seems forced, there just never really seems to be enough time. I don’t feel judged for my decisions or like I’m trying too hard to fit in. This may just be high school insecurities, but for once I feel like people actually like me… && I really like them too…
“Sharing tales of those we’ve lost is how we keep from really losing them.” -Mitch Albom
As for everything going on in my head since my dad passed… It’s been roughly 3 and a half months. I still see him lying in that bed, slowly dying. I still see his hands up by his chest, eyes closed, slight smile on his face, every time I close my eyes, it’s like it’s still 3am the night I found him breathless and gone. It kills me. Being home is just a reminder that he is never coming back. Being out in HIS tree stand, in HIS woods, where he should be kills me. I feel so distant and alone from everyone. It physically hurts to be in his house, without him. It rips my heart out to know that he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, he won’t be there to cheer me on at graduation, he won’t be there to hear about South Africa, he won’t be there to hold his grand children or me during our father daughter dance. It hurts so much I can’t breathe, sometimes my head spins so much I can’t see straight, my world just screams for him to be here. It’s not fair, and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why such a great man, who sticks up for those who can’t, who undoubtly loved his family uncondictionally, who is kind to rude strangers, the man who walked in peace in the woods, and gave back to the world that gave him so much, why him?! Why not the man who beats his children, who doesn’t love anything or anyone except that glass bottle, why my dad who gave so much, and not the guy who only lives for himself, who is unhappy and unkind. The world just doesn’t make sense. What I would do to just spend one more day with him, what I wouldn’t give to just have one more moment with him, what I would pray to just see him one more time. I have wondered if the claims of the people who have died, and were brought back, the ones who say they have seen heaven and their loved ones. I wonder if they are true, if my dad is just that close. I wonder what it would take to be with him again.
“Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.” -Mitch Albom
&& at the end of the night I crawl in bed next to the man of my dreams, the man I love to no end, and our puppy and smile because I still have them, && we still have time.
In faith, hope and love.
Danni
